(+1) Let go over a cliff, die completely, and then come back to life - after that you cannot be decieved.
-Zen Saying
I'm frustrated with myself. I told myself 5 a day, well I found about 5 excuses yesterday why I couldn't ask anyone. It appears haveing a peer there is completely neccessary for me to achieve anything. But once in a while, there are those moments . . .
I was on my hometurf- the engineering library. There was a woman who sat at the table across from me and she was pretty drop-dead gorgeous. I was doing my probability homework - joint probability distributions. And then I said to myself, I should probably ask her on a date. But then the math got back to me. I should finish that up first.
Well wouldn't you know that Dan happens to walk into the Engineering Library (this is my area punk!) He starts up this long conversation with a girl and I am SOO jealous. Well I go over and realize it's a mutual friend of ours, and its not Dan just using his smoothe moves. This gets me riled up a bit to "make the move". Dan eventually stops by and chats with me. He asks me if I'm going to do "it". I take a motion with my pen and say, yah she's mine. Dan's jealous.
So I go back to my probability while the girl next to me continues her finance. Lets just say it was hard to focus on probability. I told myself that as soon as I finish I'll ask her (providing for a key escape). Well I couldn't focus. The numbers were difficult to think about. (That said, the feeling was much like being in love - things were just snapping and seemed unusually good). At one point I really had to pee (but she might leave)! So I ran to go to the restroom.
As I feared, she got up before I could solve for the estimated value of Y, so I had to make my move. Oh how I had the move. You see, just asking a girl on date, AWKWARD. So I went up to her as she was packing and asked her if I could borrow her calculator. She say's sure. We start talking about her finance class. 1/12+1/128=0.00841, check (as if I really needed that). I then say in just a horribly awkard voice "I was wondering if you would like to go on a date with me?" Her response...
Sorry I have a boyfriend. Bummer. Well she was a bussiness major, so things probably would have gone downhill either way. But I was bummed (though glad I did it). I've noticed that a very frequent response I get is "I have a boyfriend" - I think this might be a nice little ploy, as I have yet to hear: "No". Interesting. Cause what is the probability that 5/5 girls I ask have a boyfriend or conveniently lost their phone: Well lets consider that half the women are dating (which is way higher than actuall in my opinion, so. .. ) we have that the chance that all 5 girls I went up to were in a relationship as (1/2)^5 or 1/32. Hmmm.. Well I'm glad I took probability.
Funny thing was, when I was leaving I saw an attractive girl, and then said, wasn't that the person I already asked? I couldn't remember her face at all. So much for nerves of steel!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Into The Deep End
(+3) (-2) So today I decided I was going to start. Andrew, someone I met through Project: 75 and I agreed that we would meet at the UMC at 3:30. So I definately had this on my mind all day (once again ironically haveing a test today also). I did pick out what I was going to wear, and conveniently brought along bussiness cards (I don't think the bussiness card is a good idea for the future). So my day ended up being pretty darn good. But before I began I went to a lecture that was part of the conference of world affairs: "Too busy for falling in love"
In this lecture 4 panelists lectured me on the merits of letting love in my life. Yikes! One proffesor a former Ambasador from Iran, told me of a quote "We look past all of the flowers in our life to go to the library and study flowers". Well it just so happens that a beautiful flower sat in front of me during that lecture. I was like, wow, I really need to ask her out. (You see I was hesitent to go empty handed to work with Andrew, someone I hardly knew).
So then I began makeing excuses, and believe you me, I'm really good at makeing excuses. First I was going to pass her a note, and then I was like lame. Then the panelists asked us who felt truly in love and she rose her hand, I was like, well now I'm screwed. Then I told myself that well she's in the front row, so there's no way I'm going to get to her in time. It's amazing how smart people can set themselves up for failure.
And then a lot of miracle chances happened. She left, but then she stayed outside. She started walking when I left in the same direction. So being me, I just asked her what she thought of the lecture. That got us talking and we had a wonderful conversation on all sorts of things, me finding out that 4 different people fill the criteria of the "in love" and she was graduating like me and she is a philosiphy major (HOT). So we were about to leave, and I said to myself, if you don't do this now, you are screwed for life (which I don't want to be the case), so I asked her. Ans she said she was already seeing someone. So I was just about ready to dash off right now with the strange yes i got rejected feeling. But then she offered me her phone number and said we should hang out. Now I was like super "yes". Not only did I get +1, I now can have a conversation with a philosiphy major on the philosiphy of science. What can I say, I'm quite pleased. (Adendum, after facebook stalking her she is listed as single on facebook. .. hmm.)
So I came in with blazing spirits to the UMC. Where I met Andrew. I decided I would ask one girl in each area (3 areas). I eyed a fairly attractive girl doing math in colored pencils and she was a primary target for obvious reasons (math in colored pencils is SO HOT). Andrew sat there with his food and said sure, I'll sit here. I went up to the woman and asked her, "Heh I was wondering if you would go on a date with me". Wow that was awkward. She then did this like "um, ugh, hmm, um" look. So apparantly I put her in my state too. So I then preceded to tell her that I saw her doing calculus in colored pencils and that made me say, why not. We then talked about skiing which is definately my forte: "Oh you ski at Keystone, that's where I live" tends to have its confidence boosters. Afterwhile, she gave me her number. But here's the weird thing, she lost her phone skiing so she probably won't answer it. So hmm. I don't know if I should count this as a rejection or as a yes. I'm going to pull out the rule I'll give it two calls and see if I get a response. I don't think I will as I went to her as I was leaving and said "I hope you find your phone, a lot is riding on that" and she gave me the strangest stare.
Another problem I notice, which I think will pop up more when I start becoming more "successful" at this is my "latch on" to problem. I'm in huh! Well now I'm just going to totally try to grab you for all you got and become super clingy. I think I tend to push my luck after the initial yes, instead of my "I'm ok with this, time to cash in". I have definately had this problem with previous relationships.
So my last 2 were straight out no's. Which worked out pretty well, because I forced myself to randomly ask girls that I couldn't even see there faces and had no idea who they were. They were both already in relationships. One girl told me "well good luck" and that was a bit awkward. It is also REALLY hard for me to explain myself. I HATE liying. And going up to a girl and asking her on a date without a reason seems so weird, and whatever reason I give her is wrong and that makes me feel pretty unconfortable.
Overall though, today was quite a good start. I had an awsome day afterwards. I was in really high spirits and had an extremely positive attitude, much like how I feel in the good parts of my past relationships. The weird thing is I actually got nothing. There was no going forward, it was just nice to finally release myself from this trap I know I set myself.
So here's the big audacious goal. I really want to cure myself of this problem completely by the time I head out to MIT (good news, according to that conference I went to, when we change enviornments, we are more likely to fall in love!). So I'm setting a fairly high goal for myself 75 requests. I figure if I can make 4 the first day, that is just 4 I need to ask every day. It's high, but I do so much better when I have an actual number goal. So if I want to achieve this, I'm going to need to ask 4 girls on dates every day till finals. Can I do it? Well I hope so. But I have a feeling real obstacles are going to get in my way (like right now, I feel exhausted, and I don't really want to go ask girls on dates). So maybe I will allow the deadline to be past finals if neccessary. But I'm almost 90% convinced that if I can ask 75 people I will be "cured" of my fear, and that will be such a wonderful thing to bring to MIT. So yey!
In this lecture 4 panelists lectured me on the merits of letting love in my life. Yikes! One proffesor a former Ambasador from Iran, told me of a quote "We look past all of the flowers in our life to go to the library and study flowers". Well it just so happens that a beautiful flower sat in front of me during that lecture. I was like, wow, I really need to ask her out. (You see I was hesitent to go empty handed to work with Andrew, someone I hardly knew).
So then I began makeing excuses, and believe you me, I'm really good at makeing excuses. First I was going to pass her a note, and then I was like lame. Then the panelists asked us who felt truly in love and she rose her hand, I was like, well now I'm screwed. Then I told myself that well she's in the front row, so there's no way I'm going to get to her in time. It's amazing how smart people can set themselves up for failure.
And then a lot of miracle chances happened. She left, but then she stayed outside. She started walking when I left in the same direction. So being me, I just asked her what she thought of the lecture. That got us talking and we had a wonderful conversation on all sorts of things, me finding out that 4 different people fill the criteria of the "in love" and she was graduating like me and she is a philosiphy major (HOT). So we were about to leave, and I said to myself, if you don't do this now, you are screwed for life (which I don't want to be the case), so I asked her. Ans she said she was already seeing someone. So I was just about ready to dash off right now with the strange yes i got rejected feeling. But then she offered me her phone number and said we should hang out. Now I was like super "yes". Not only did I get +1, I now can have a conversation with a philosiphy major on the philosiphy of science. What can I say, I'm quite pleased. (Adendum, after facebook stalking her she is listed as single on facebook. .. hmm.)
So I came in with blazing spirits to the UMC. Where I met Andrew. I decided I would ask one girl in each area (3 areas). I eyed a fairly attractive girl doing math in colored pencils and she was a primary target for obvious reasons (math in colored pencils is SO HOT). Andrew sat there with his food and said sure, I'll sit here. I went up to the woman and asked her, "Heh I was wondering if you would go on a date with me". Wow that was awkward. She then did this like "um, ugh, hmm, um" look. So apparantly I put her in my state too. So I then preceded to tell her that I saw her doing calculus in colored pencils and that made me say, why not. We then talked about skiing which is definately my forte: "Oh you ski at Keystone, that's where I live" tends to have its confidence boosters. Afterwhile, she gave me her number. But here's the weird thing, she lost her phone skiing so she probably won't answer it. So hmm. I don't know if I should count this as a rejection or as a yes. I'm going to pull out the rule I'll give it two calls and see if I get a response. I don't think I will as I went to her as I was leaving and said "I hope you find your phone, a lot is riding on that" and she gave me the strangest stare.
Another problem I notice, which I think will pop up more when I start becoming more "successful" at this is my "latch on" to problem. I'm in huh! Well now I'm just going to totally try to grab you for all you got and become super clingy. I think I tend to push my luck after the initial yes, instead of my "I'm ok with this, time to cash in". I have definately had this problem with previous relationships.
So my last 2 were straight out no's. Which worked out pretty well, because I forced myself to randomly ask girls that I couldn't even see there faces and had no idea who they were. They were both already in relationships. One girl told me "well good luck" and that was a bit awkward. It is also REALLY hard for me to explain myself. I HATE liying. And going up to a girl and asking her on a date without a reason seems so weird, and whatever reason I give her is wrong and that makes me feel pretty unconfortable.
Overall though, today was quite a good start. I had an awsome day afterwards. I was in really high spirits and had an extremely positive attitude, much like how I feel in the good parts of my past relationships. The weird thing is I actually got nothing. There was no going forward, it was just nice to finally release myself from this trap I know I set myself.
So here's the big audacious goal. I really want to cure myself of this problem completely by the time I head out to MIT (good news, according to that conference I went to, when we change enviornments, we are more likely to fall in love!). So I'm setting a fairly high goal for myself 75 requests. I figure if I can make 4 the first day, that is just 4 I need to ask every day. It's high, but I do so much better when I have an actual number goal. So if I want to achieve this, I'm going to need to ask 4 girls on dates every day till finals. Can I do it? Well I hope so. But I have a feeling real obstacles are going to get in my way (like right now, I feel exhausted, and I don't really want to go ask girls on dates). So maybe I will allow the deadline to be past finals if neccessary. But I'm almost 90% convinced that if I can ask 75 people I will be "cured" of my fear, and that will be such a wonderful thing to bring to MIT. So yey!
More Freezes
So asking people I know is not going to be possible, yet. I froze up 3 more times all haveing the same effect. I have talked to Dan and Blake about this and both of them have dedicated themselves to helping me out. I got to say this has become quite stressful. I now realize that I do in fact have a weakness. I have a monstrous fear of asking people on dates! Oh no! And then I tell myself, whew, I'm glad I'm in a group. But seriously, this is the stuff that keeps me up at night and stresses me out even though I have a test the next day. I now understand why I shoved it away in the first place, because, it is freaking scary and it is definately not a strength of mine, so it is much easier to hide it away. Hopefully, the group can help me on this.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
First Day
(x) There is a girl in the engineering center who I have always had my eye on but we never have really done anything outside of casual talk. I saw her sitting in the engineering center and we naturally had a conversation about future employment.
I wanted to ask her on a date but I couldn't do it. I wasn't mentally prepared. My mind hit that conflicting stage where I send myself two messages at once and I can't do anything: a. Do it, you know its a yes, and it would be fun, and it would mean a lot to her. b. Don't do it. You don't want to strain a relationship that you have had for 3 years in the last 5 weeks. And when my mind is paralyzed the conservative, don't do it attitude ALWAYS wins, so I stepped away.
I have a theory that I might have to start on something easier: complete strangers, otherwise my "mind freeze" is just going to repeate itself ad-infinitum.
I wanted to ask her on a date but I couldn't do it. I wasn't mentally prepared. My mind hit that conflicting stage where I send myself two messages at once and I can't do anything: a. Do it, you know its a yes, and it would be fun, and it would mean a lot to her. b. Don't do it. You don't want to strain a relationship that you have had for 3 years in the last 5 weeks. And when my mind is paralyzed the conservative, don't do it attitude ALWAYS wins, so I stepped away.
I have a theory that I might have to start on something easier: complete strangers, otherwise my "mind freeze" is just going to repeate itself ad-infinitum.
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